ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu