[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse