I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right