[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong