*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
You Might Also Like
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”