Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
you gotta be faster
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?