*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.