Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.