Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
How dramatic are you?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
He-man has a Masters degree
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.