I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Mistakes were made
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high