If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.