[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
oh my gosh!!
Trying
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Always
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”