[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.