Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
this FaceApp is creepy af
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish