{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”