LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You Might Also Like
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys