Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired