The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.