me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.