GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Very good! 👍😂
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
That’s enough internet for the day
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.