If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Yes, but it was never about money
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I am HOWLING at this
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…