You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.