That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match