My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”