Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van