Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
You Might Also Like
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.