Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”