Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry