Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift