ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Happy Caturday!
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap