ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*