“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
bought wrong eggs
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
let’s discuss
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce