Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.