[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
prepare for carbonated trouble
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.