GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I WON A HAM TODAY