I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
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if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years