After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me hooking up with my ex
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*