Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already