Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?