My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
WTF
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good