Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
#oldknees
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.