Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.