“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.