I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Um … Hot Wings please
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery