Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.