I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
when nothing goes right… go left
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.