someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow