Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
You Might Also Like
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is