Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’