Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado